test, succeed. test, succeed. test test test, succeed.

you have taught me many lessons,
yet my learning will never cease,
I used to question your motives,
now I welcome you with embrace.

you have spun many truths,
my beliefs continue to be tested,
I know to question your intent,
I will never just accept.

you have tried many tricks,
I'm yet to tire of your wicked ways,
your tests meld with intrigue,
providing me with strength
to overcome the trials borne
in every waking hour,

although I long for a reprieve,
I know you're here to stay,
so tempt me with your next test,
my resilience will keep you at bay.

"Blessed are the steadfastly enduring, they that are patient under ills and hardships, who lament not over anything that befalleth them, and who tread the path of resignation....

(Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá'u'lláh, LXVI, p. 129)

connect the silence

connected by more than words can define,
connected by ties between our divine,
blessed by more than 5 lucky dimes,
blessed by your presence,
without being by my side,
I keep you at a distance,
loving you inside.

leave you

leave you.

I never understood the saying “love you and leave you” until I gathered the courage to finally expunge you from the realm that existed only in my head… the only remnant of you that prevailed beyond time and space and reason and rhyme.

In reality, you haven’t been in my life for much longer than you were ever in it, but the heart has different plans, and different levels of attachment. The strings that fasten my heart to your fictitious memory were just as tangled as my memory of you was warped.

Unlike the commonly applied stigma of a ‘first love’, I did love you unconditionally, and without prejudice. And although I would un-do everything that I had with you for the sake of my own state of mind, that isn’t an option, neither is my continued love for you. The choice I do have is to leave you, to disentangle myself from your memory, to detach my association to your entity and destroy the fabricated image that has haunted my subconscious since the day you walked away.

You already know you were loved, now consider yourself left.


[24/01/12]

once a Danske time

Prompted by a recent request to give a presentation on my experiences in Denmark, I started sifting through my photos and things I had written whilst I was living there. So, please allow me this moment to reminisce. Written over the span of 5 months, below are just some snippets of my experience. (My apologies for the poor use of tense, this is essentially a cut/paste job. The use of paragraphs is to assist in outlining the progression of time).

In a country filled with tall, fair, fashion conscious descendants of Vikings, where the men’s shoes make more sound than their female counterparts, the bicycle is an extension to feet, beer is drunk more by girls and every room has coat racks and heating, it is needless to say that I feel a little out of place. Now, things like a bicycle are easy to adjust to, but other than that, Danish culture is slightly out of reach…

The Danish are so very proud to call themselves Danish. They even celebrate their birthdays by draping everything in their national flag! Their pride also manifests itself in their stand for independence – an example of this would be the continued use of the Danish Kroner even though they have been long-term members of the EU..

In my neighbourhood, Nørrebro, you can’t walk more than a block without coming across a shawarma/kabab stand or an Arab supermarket – try to imagine my excitement when I could by all the Middle Eastern ingredients that have become so normal to find in Australia (and so abnormal in the regular Danish supermarkets) and suddenly I had an ethnic kitchen! I had no choice but to start recreating my mother’s amazing cooking, or at least make my feeble attempts…

When I started shopping for a bicycle I was a little lost, what did I know of a city bike? I had only ever owned a mountain bike and rode around the quiet streets of my neighbourhood or on bike tracks. I was accompanied by my favourite little German when we stepped into our first bicycle shop, only to be greeted by the owner, “Irooni hastin?” (“are you Iranian?”). Not only did we leave the shop with a great deal on a bicycle for myself, one for my friend’s use free of charge for the rest of her visit, but I had found myself a friend that I could swing by for chai whenever I felt like it...

The summer fought on with pleasant weather throughout September but everyone I spoke to was certain to emphasise that, “we’ve been lucky” and “it won’t last”. My denial of the graduation of the year, resulting in colder weather, was as strong as ever, and my choice of clothes as a result started getting more peculiar looks (I still don’t own a pair of winter boots)...

And now in November the layers are adding on, the gloves have become a necessity rather than an accessory, particularly whilst cycling. The days are growing so short to the point that if I sleep in I’m likely to miss a majority of the daylight. I say daylight as opposed to sunlight given the near-constant overcast sky. The rain/drizzle, although painstakingly annoying, has become a daily expectation. And although my umbrella is always on hand, riding a bicycle doesn’t allow the easy access to umbrella ‘protection’, not to mention the safety risk of juggling an umbrella through (bicycle) traffic, which in itself is hazardous...

It’s already December, I don’t know where time disappeared. I have been in and out of Copenhagen so many times and now the friends I have made here will soon start leaving to spend Christmas at their respective homes. Many of them wont return in the new year. And so I must prepare to say goodbyes. I haven’t had to deal with goodbyes in while. And these will be different to the ‘see you later’s that occupied my departure from Australia in July. These are more permanent, much longer, if not forever, goodbyes – the worst kind...

I’m packing up my room, my cute little studio that has been home these past months. The snow has kept up, blizzard-like conditions at times. Copenhagen received more snow this winter than in the past ten. As my room becomes more bare, reality is setting in. I’m heading back home after nearly nine months of being in a state of travel-frenzy. I crave routine more than anything. (I’m going to regret saying that)

 

we eat pomegranates differently

misplaced love breeds misplaced hate, 

at the end of the day they're one and the same,

when fascination subsides, reality overrides, 

is it too late to change how we operate?

you squeezed your way in, then rolled away, 

leaving a trail of lost moments and memory replays,

I downplay your importance, to match your nonchalance, 

aware that I could elevate you to heaven with no regrets,

but its the wrong place to invest, and it's no time to confess, 

you leave me a mess because you can't see that you're blessed

clap me in iron, leave me in chains, 

lock me in solitary, I'd still feel the same

I miss you most days, it's always this way, 

but one moment of sentiment breeds ten of regret

we seem to be going down different paths, 

but I want to believe that this is because

you know where you are going and I’m still lost.

"Just because we don't talk doesn't mean I don't think about you. 

I'm just trying to distance myself because I know I can't have you."**

words and their worth i have come to doubt,

unfinished half-truths leaving questions unasked,

the lines between saying more than I mean,

words no longer used to portray what is real

I poured out my heart and all I heard

was the echo of your laugh

we ate pomegranates differently,

but your indifference let us fall apart

** Wiz Khalifa

Haters be hatin'

I hate you. Not because of who you are, but because you're the only person I let in, and then you broke me.
I hate you for having brought out my emotions and for leaving permanent scars.
I hate you for hiding from me and I hate your nonchalance.
I hate your false pretences that fool everyone else. 
I hate that I know you well enough to have known you'd never fight for me.
I hate that you haven't been given the advantages in life that I have, 
I hate that that has made you cynical about a person who wants to treat you right.
I hate that you're not in my life and the void that remains after all this time.
I hate that I can't call you or drop by to say hi.
I hate that I lost you, 
But what I hate most is that I once had you, 
because if I never had you then I wouldn't hate at all.

I'm not sorry for the inconvenience.

I'm sorry if you find it inconvenient,
but without you we wouldn't be in it,
you ate too much, and cared too little,
you littered too much, and reused too little,
you trashed the world, and now your melt,

explain to me, how you thought it felt,
when the sun shone down, 
as you tried to tan,
but tan time is up,
you're sizzling now.
Heaped up hype, how high is the sky,
higher than humans can afford to buy,
now summer time, come out beach bum,
beach is gone? waters on the rise,
retreating sand dunes, 
once seriously smooth,
desertify your garden,
no more tomatos? i beg your pardon,
Harden up young soldier skin,
it's more than cancer you'll have to face,
it's food you'll fight for soon.
Sayonara Kiribati,
you'll be the new atlantis,
you didn't make enough fuss,
drowning now, howling aloud,
sincerely sorry, world's weeping now.
And what of us? Can you keep your cup?
Can you try resuse your chopsticks too?
There isn't space for infinite refills,
chuck cups, chuck us, land fill, ground us.
Beep beep, I'm coming through,
why would I walk when I can drive to you?
smell that oil? burn that fuel, 
be like Bush, I'll fool you too,
motor way, zoom and stray,
surely there's another way?
Fossil fuels, respon-see-bulls, 
Bulls-eye, no wings to fly,
Carbon tax? Leave no tracks,
change your ways?
Are you insane!
You're more than welcome to stay this way,
but tell me now if thats your plan,
for I refuse to introduce children,
to a world left in your hands.

Five minute mental vomit.

Not being too quick to judge, 

quick foot, quick run, 

stomp around, hold no grudge,

goosestep, ground swept,

leaves gathered, time well spent.

Suck it up, rough it out, 

scream it loud, now I'm fizzled out. 

feel the ground? It's beating now.

Mother nature, she's hurting now.

Hear your heart, it's beating proud.

Proud of what? Palpitating, wow.

Round the bend, speeding up,

wrong turn, double back,

racing space, boiling face,

double up, there's trouble now,

wobble some, joke around,

lighten up, lay back down,

there's more to this,

but it's not profound.

Beauty fades, it's the second round,

up in smoke, who's dancing now?

Killer beat, newly found,

who they be? Not world-renowned,

quietly achieving, stereo's out,

carbon be leaking, oil depleting,

cap and trade or taxing you slaves,

inaction till D-day, delays until we belay.

What is it that I'm trying to say?

I hold no pretence, to make any sense,

Poor reference, pour vanilla, essence

is lost.
Prolific is naught,

knotted in nine, it's time to thrive,

we're hard wired to survive.

The Plan is Divine.

How could we go wrong,

with You as our Guide?

It's time to realign, project our desires,

promote Your ideas, 

stand tall and admire.

Now lay down, mind at rest,

gather your strength,

don't try to protest,

gear up, head space,

the time has come,

for your greatest test.

Don't fret, don't cry, 

you'll make it through,

your strength wont subside,

Be at rest, no sign of distress, 

we're all under arrest, 

standing over the greatest abyss.

Lost in yOUR world

If I were the aviation authority I could ban your excess baggage, 

Make you suck it up and leave behind all that extra carnage.

Severe all remaining ties, forcing you to disconnect,

Recollect, re-compress, reload then reconnect,

Detach you from the past that left you all delusional,

Left you believing that love only be illusional.

Lost your self, your soul, your sanity,

Sold debt, soul wept, sole self, so inept,

"Excuse my anger, I'm not always like this", 

From outrage to nonchalance,

Turn my anger into apathy,

But wait, no, I can’t morph your identity,

Can’t make you leave behind your attaché, 

And now I see in front of me my whole future,

How to make each morn even more the richer,

Everyone’s a hero trying to save the old world,

But world unity starts with your own word,

Not saying you didn’t hurt me, you made me sick,

Flick of a stick and you were gone; crack and whip,

And I sink, and then think how much I hated this,

I reminisced, so please excuse this,

But life is rare and the world is beautiful,

No one said it was easy, we are all soul-full,

And we each have a body like Lewis told you,

We got one shot no chance to renew,

So I’ll forgive and forget what we did and said,

With love and kindness, I tread with my legs,

As I head on out, I hold you in respect.

N.Homsey & S.Rouhani

26/10/2011

Repeat and reload

I waste my time on you and you,
for what but wasting time from You,
blurring the line between waste and want,
slurring my thought of what I want,
for me,
my thoughts, my dreams,
where I want to be.

Stagnated, stipulated, 
sluggishly insinuated,
slushy, slurpy, 
from 7 til 11,
(but really until 3),
then sleep becomes me.

Dilated, debilitated, directly disorientated,
linear projections swerving to diagonal distractions,
treading along the path now faded,
faded and wasted, lying in wait,
plod along, redirect, reconnect,
the time has come to stipulate.

Procrastinated from purpose, 
unyielding and unnerving,
fighting to regain composure,
uncertainties overwhelm,
off the track, double back,
totally out of whack.

Crack my head on pathways closed,
pathways so old, no path to follow,
dusted, covered, crushing my bread crumbs,
no Hansel to my Gretal,
no gingerbread foes.

No route, no map,
gps can't load,
inhale, exhale,
repeat and reload...

My mind fights on in a battle against self,

For years trying to sever the ties and disconnect, 

In a moment left to wandering thoughts, 

You reemerge and destroy my progress,

The moments we shared so vivid and alive,

Taking me back when all seemed fine,

Forget my time and place and space,

Your life is again in sync with mine.

The frozen moments lost in time,

The smiles, the silence, the unspoken signs,

The motives, the motions, the millions of miles,

The dreaming, the delirium, the daily demise,

The feelings, the flaws, the faltering fears.

Tarnished, ungreased, I'm like a rusted gear.

[Special thanks to Saba for assistance with the last line.]

Reminiscing my mind.

Thought of the day (28/09/09)
- Some things ought not to be recorded as a means of forgetting or, at the very least, in order to not be reminded of them.

Heart (e)scape

With the natural progression of time,

we went our separate ways,

even if that meant you pushed me left,

then ran to the right,

leaving no trail to follow, 

After much hesitation I had no choice,

I continued on the path you set,

but my heart left a lingering path,

needing only a sign to sling-back,

double over, return like a boomerang.

For too long my heart waited,

but like bait never bitten, 

it lost its scent,

it lost its strength,

the trail faded away.

My heart is mine again,

it no longer lays at an angle,

waiting for its escape,

it settled back into its cavity,

allowing the blood to flow,

beating returns to regularity,

freeing me from any entanglements.

Artist: S. Rouhani

My thoughts, not yours.

But, it doesn't matter what you think, for it can't change the uncontrollable thoughts that constantly stream between my ears. The realities I face are mostly in my subconscious and no manner of explanation or justification will bring you to a sufficient level of understanding or acceptance.

"All our words are but crumbs that fall down from the feast of the minds." (Kahlil Gibran)

This is my plea to you, do not try and bring reason into the discussion. Matters of the heart and, by extension, the subconscious, rarely take notice of reasoning. There is no reason. I have accepted this, and beg of you to do the same.

Falsified truth.

What a great danger we can be to ourselves, 

when we become so accustomed to lying, that 

we even convince ourselves of such untruths.

Mercury in retrograde

You didn't see it coming, in fact it was the last thing that crossed your mind, the last thing you perceived to possibly become reality. And by fighting back, you prove them to be right. You showed them the reaction they sought, as a response to their actions.

You spent an immeasurable amount of time building up a facade, a facade that had the sole purpose of protecting you from such an ordeal - and in a flashing moment it dissolved like jelly crystals in boiling water. Not only did it dissolve but you were also infiltrated beyond your veneer - forming an abyss, a gaping chasm, only realised in absence, emptying and creating a void that previously knew no such existence.

Then there is the aftermath. Mind races through past fleeting moments, moments that were most likely taken for granted, moments that were previously unnoticed, unthought of, only known in your subconscious. Now they surge, cascading from the highest height, gushing down like a river rapid. Reminding you of what once was, what no longer is, what exists no more.

Like rubbing salt into a wound or pouring cold water on a sensitive tooth, your subconscious gives you no reprieve. As night succeeds day and the dream-state envelopes, you continue the torture brought about by the unknown, the unforeseen and unfathomable. Only with morning do you come to an agreement for a temporary armistice that will allow the progress of the new day, knowing full well that the ceasefire will end as night falls.

Picture courtesy of: under.a.glass.moon

Stifled

Despite my strong resistance and dislike for reading what I'm told to read, and writing what I'm told to write, I somehow managed to get through a degree that required exactly that.... and proceeded to commence another such degree with only more/higher expectation to do so. The human mind and its decision-making process never ceases to baffle (amaze) me.
----------------------------------------------------------
Random thought of the day:

If everyone was given the opportunity that, for example, a student chosen to attend a selective school with the (greater) push for excellence in their chosen path, would we flourish?

Let me rephrase. If we were given a life changing/threatening ultimatum that we had to excel at a rapid pace, would we? Or would we just be the weakest link and be told goodbye? 

The point I'm trying to get at here is that I see so many people, myself included, that cruise along at 50km/h, staying safe and not going beyond the bounds of mediocracy. What if we were pushed to instead go along at 80km/h? Surely it would take some time to adjust to this sudden increase of speed but I don't think that means we'd crash and burn, does it?

I want to be going at 80km/h. Only thing stopping me is myself. Myself, stop stopping me please?
[I think I just said three different things, apologies for not being concise)

Haha

Keep your cup!

Why not?
I'm designing my very own personalised cup right now. I know that at my uni I will save at least $0.50 per cup of coffee I buy, and I will be using one less paper cup in the process. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me: save money AND the environment!
If you want to know more, visit the KeepCup website and for those in Australia interested in ordering one online, this website is a little cheaper to do so: http://www.atomikgreen.com.au/products/Keep-Cup.html
So get on there and keep your cup!

Why I study what I study

A month into my Master's program (International Environmental Law), and I found a(nother) reason for doing what I do. In class today our lecturer told us about the Danish Island of Samsø which inhabits ~4,000 people. Why is this island so important? It is the first place that has been able to make itself energy self-sufficient. This is no mean feat and it took the dedication of many of the locals working along side the government to make this happen. It all began when the Danish government in 1997 ran a competition for a model renewable energy community, a competition that Samsø won. From here 10 off-shore wind turbines were built, locally funded, to harness the strong-blowing winds that engulf this area. This provides 100% of their electricity and 75% of their heat comes from solar power and biomass energy.

This is why I study what I study. 

This is what the world needs to see.

Being more environmentally sustainable IS possible 

& WILL be the future.

A report from CBS tells us that:
"The Samsø scheme has become so successful that the island has installed a string of turbines offshore to make surplus power to sell to the mainland."
To read the full article, click here
[I just wish I heard about this place while I was living in Denmark, so I could be talking about it first hand!]