connect the silence

connected by more than words can define,
connected by ties between our divine,
blessed by more than 5 lucky dimes,
blessed by your presence,
without being by my side,
I keep you at a distance,
loving you inside.

leave you

leave you.

I never understood the saying “love you and leave you” until I gathered the courage to finally expunge you from the realm that existed only in my head… the only remnant of you that prevailed beyond time and space and reason and rhyme.

In reality, you haven’t been in my life for much longer than you were ever in it, but the heart has different plans, and different levels of attachment. The strings that fasten my heart to your fictitious memory were just as tangled as my memory of you was warped.

Unlike the commonly applied stigma of a ‘first love’, I did love you unconditionally, and without prejudice. And although I would un-do everything that I had with you for the sake of my own state of mind, that isn’t an option, neither is my continued love for you. The choice I do have is to leave you, to disentangle myself from your memory, to detach my association to your entity and destroy the fabricated image that has haunted my subconscious since the day you walked away.

You already know you were loved, now consider yourself left.


[24/01/12]

once a Danske time

Prompted by a recent request to give a presentation on my experiences in Denmark, I started sifting through my photos and things I had written whilst I was living there. So, please allow me this moment to reminisce. Written over the span of 5 months, below are just some snippets of my experience. (My apologies for the poor use of tense, this is essentially a cut/paste job. The use of paragraphs is to assist in outlining the progression of time).

In a country filled with tall, fair, fashion conscious descendants of Vikings, where the men’s shoes make more sound than their female counterparts, the bicycle is an extension to feet, beer is drunk more by girls and every room has coat racks and heating, it is needless to say that I feel a little out of place. Now, things like a bicycle are easy to adjust to, but other than that, Danish culture is slightly out of reach…

The Danish are so very proud to call themselves Danish. They even celebrate their birthdays by draping everything in their national flag! Their pride also manifests itself in their stand for independence – an example of this would be the continued use of the Danish Kroner even though they have been long-term members of the EU..

In my neighbourhood, Nørrebro, you can’t walk more than a block without coming across a shawarma/kabab stand or an Arab supermarket – try to imagine my excitement when I could by all the Middle Eastern ingredients that have become so normal to find in Australia (and so abnormal in the regular Danish supermarkets) and suddenly I had an ethnic kitchen! I had no choice but to start recreating my mother’s amazing cooking, or at least make my feeble attempts…

When I started shopping for a bicycle I was a little lost, what did I know of a city bike? I had only ever owned a mountain bike and rode around the quiet streets of my neighbourhood or on bike tracks. I was accompanied by my favourite little German when we stepped into our first bicycle shop, only to be greeted by the owner, “Irooni hastin?” (“are you Iranian?”). Not only did we leave the shop with a great deal on a bicycle for myself, one for my friend’s use free of charge for the rest of her visit, but I had found myself a friend that I could swing by for chai whenever I felt like it...

The summer fought on with pleasant weather throughout September but everyone I spoke to was certain to emphasise that, “we’ve been lucky” and “it won’t last”. My denial of the graduation of the year, resulting in colder weather, was as strong as ever, and my choice of clothes as a result started getting more peculiar looks (I still don’t own a pair of winter boots)...

And now in November the layers are adding on, the gloves have become a necessity rather than an accessory, particularly whilst cycling. The days are growing so short to the point that if I sleep in I’m likely to miss a majority of the daylight. I say daylight as opposed to sunlight given the near-constant overcast sky. The rain/drizzle, although painstakingly annoying, has become a daily expectation. And although my umbrella is always on hand, riding a bicycle doesn’t allow the easy access to umbrella ‘protection’, not to mention the safety risk of juggling an umbrella through (bicycle) traffic, which in itself is hazardous...

It’s already December, I don’t know where time disappeared. I have been in and out of Copenhagen so many times and now the friends I have made here will soon start leaving to spend Christmas at their respective homes. Many of them wont return in the new year. And so I must prepare to say goodbyes. I haven’t had to deal with goodbyes in while. And these will be different to the ‘see you later’s that occupied my departure from Australia in July. These are more permanent, much longer, if not forever, goodbyes – the worst kind...

I’m packing up my room, my cute little studio that has been home these past months. The snow has kept up, blizzard-like conditions at times. Copenhagen received more snow this winter than in the past ten. As my room becomes more bare, reality is setting in. I’m heading back home after nearly nine months of being in a state of travel-frenzy. I crave routine more than anything. (I’m going to regret saying that)

 

out of love, not revelry or fear.

A dear friend shared this story with me and although I couldn't find the exact reference I felt impelled to share it. The first is the original in Farsi, followed by a rough translation into English. :)

عارفی را دیدند مشعلى و جام آب در دست پرسیدند کجا میروی؟

گفت:میروم با این آتش بهشت را بسوزانم و بااین آب جهنم راخاموش کنم, تا 

مردم خدا را فقط بخاطر عشق به او بپرستند، نه بخاطر عیاشی در بهشت

!وترس ازجهنم

They saw an Aref (an enlightened person) carrying a flame and a chalice of water. They asked him, "where art thou heading to?"

He replied, "I am indeed on my way to burn away the heaven with this fire and extinguish the fire of the hell with this water, so that people worship God out of love and not for revelry in the heaven and the fear of hell."


If anyone knows/finds out where this is from, I would be very grateful!

embrace the new moment

we eat pomegranates differently

misplaced love breeds misplaced hate, 

at the end of the day they're one and the same,

when fascination subsides, reality overrides, 

is it too late to change how we operate?

you squeezed your way in, then rolled away, 

leaving a trail of lost moments and memory replays,

I downplay your importance, to match your nonchalance, 

aware that I could elevate you to heaven with no regrets,

but its the wrong place to invest, and it's no time to confess, 

you leave me a mess because you can't see that you're blessed

clap me in iron, leave me in chains, 

lock me in solitary, I'd still feel the same

I miss you most days, it's always this way, 

but one moment of sentiment breeds ten of regret

we seem to be going down different paths, 

but I want to believe that this is because

you know where you are going and I’m still lost.

"Just because we don't talk doesn't mean I don't think about you. 

I'm just trying to distance myself because I know I can't have you."**

words and their worth i have come to doubt,

unfinished half-truths leaving questions unasked,

the lines between saying more than I mean,

words no longer used to portray what is real

I poured out my heart and all I heard

was the echo of your laugh

we ate pomegranates differently,

but your indifference let us fall apart

** Wiz Khalifa

more difficulties, more perfection.

“The more difficulties one sees in the world the more perfect one becomes. The more you plough and dig the ground the more fertile it becomes. The more you cut the branches of a tree the higher and stronger it grows. The more you put the gold in the fire the purer it becomes. The more you sharpen the steel by grinding the better it cuts. Therefore, the more sorrows one sees the more perfect one becomes. That is why, in all times, the Prophets of God have had tribulations and difficulties to withstand. The more often the captain of a ship is in the tempest and difficult sailing the greater his knowledge becomes. Therefore I am happy that you have had great tribulations and difficulties. For this I am very happy — that you have had many sorrows. Strange it is that I love you and still I am happy that you have sorrows.”

—	Abdu'l-Baha - Star of the West, vol. 14, no. 2, p. 41.

You were so immense, you buried Pompeii

We must learn.

It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning-time is always a long, secluded time, and therefore loving, for a long time ahead and far on into life, is: solitude, a heightened and deepened kind of aloneness for the person who loves. 

- Letters to a young poet 

Rilke

“Break off my arms, and I will hold you
with my heart as if it were a hand;
strangle my heart, and my brain will still throb;
and should you set fire to my brain,
I still can carry you with my blood.”
                                                             - Rainer Maria Rilke

I realised

When my trust hung from the thin thread of justice
And the hearts of my lamps were smashed into tiny pieces all over town
And the childlike eyes of my love were blindfolded with the black kerchief of law
When blood was gushing forth from the anxious temples of my desire
When my life was nothing other than the ticking of the clock
I realised that I must love
That I must madly love.

This is an excerpt from the poem “Window” (1967) by Forough Farrokhzad, translated by Farzaneh Milani from the Persian.

New year, new requests.

A friend of mine posted this request on facebook and I felt impelled to share it:


Retirement request for the following words in 2012:
1. Epic 
Including its alliance with either of the following:
-Fail
-Win
(Or either of them, used on their own, as a noun.)
2. Legend and/or Legendary
Used to describe a person, or something, which is, let's face it, totally run of the mill.
3. Swag and/or Swagger
Say it and you don't have it
4. Boss
i.e. "like a boss"
This has now been rendered obsolete, as everyone has been branded to be "like a boss". Therefore, no one is.
5. Hipster
6. Random
7. Owned
In reference to someone getting put down or proven wrong.
8. Hater
I think we all know the contexts.

ps. Sydney NYE was quite fantastic..

The Underwater Adventures of Layli

Ancient Persian love story of Layli and Majnun

20 000 leagues under the sea I go,

To where I don’t know.

I soar in the sky, and,

Swim in the sea.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

You may not know me, 

but I am the one you seek.

There is no end to this story.

You have just met me.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

You ask, how I got to the sea?

I was always there,

You came to me.

You ask, where was I?

You could never see.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

You fly so high,

You think too deep,

I was always there, 

under the sea.

Waiting for you to meet me.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

Majnun,

lost you were,

flying so high,

You forget me,

and instead searched for thee.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

People say, to love, 

you must find your own self,

and then love.

I say to love,

is to loose your own self, 

and always love. 

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

Wendt a lover of mine once asked me,

“Why is it that on finding what we most love

we destroy it by trying to own it forever.”

I laughed, with no reply.

I gazed, and gazed, and gazed,

into the heart of my lover.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

They wanted me,

but could never touch me.

They wanted me,

but felt they needed to control me.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

I gazed, and gazed, and 

showed them, it was all with me.

That the power of control was,

in the hands of the one being loved.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

The first step towards the love reality,

Was not denial but acceptance.

Acceptance of your reality.

It is this love reality that Wendt said,

makes us “horrendously brave.”

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

Brave to see our own self,

to be who we are,

to know what we are,

and live how we are.

To be horrendously brave in love,

is the mark that love leaves.

When in love, you are in,

a state of intense 

passion, purpose and confusion.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

You think you know but you don’t know.

Not until you are freed from the claws of the eagle of love,

Do you fall into the sea of reunion with me.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

You see,

I have come to the sea,

for you to see.

I am here for thee,

to be in such a state of ecstasy.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

I am higher, than thee,

I am stronger, than thee,

I am the one and only Beloved.

I am Layli Goddess of the sea.

You have come to me.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

You have come to me,

thinking there is a start to this,

and an end to this.

This is love, my lover,

there is no beginning and no end.

You swim, I soar, rather,

I swim, you soar lost in the heaven.

I swim free in the sea of serenity.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

You come to me seeking this peace and eternity.

It doesn’t come easy, 

To be my lover, lost under the sea with me.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

The Va of Life and the Om of Death.

The space between you and me,

Is like life and death, 

between inhale and exhale.

We come and go,

For love is the space between, 

the lover and the beloved.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

Know that in this sea, your love

will forever be quenched with me. 

But also know that together,

in the depths of this sea,

there is no end to our fraternity.

You and me we will not change,

But we will grow together,

in Esgh,

that white love,

just like that white light,

which will reflect our whole being,

You and me, together forever we will be.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

A rainbow fish for everyone to see.

Love is the place to be, only available in this sea.

It is in this underwater adventure with me,

That you come to be free.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

Poems you entangle me,

Poems you set me free.

Poems the paradox of my eternity.

Oh Layli, set me free, you are my Beloved One.

There was no wall between sky and sea,

It was one reality, just different to every eye that would see.

A love affair with the sun, had to end.

A selfish way of life had to end.

I needed Layli, to see, where it is I should be.

To plummet deep into the sea, 

was the only way for such a reality to be. 

Esgh is all I need from thee.

Oh this loneliness is killing me.

I must plummet deep into the sea.

So that I may dwell forever with thee.

Layli, you are my Beloved One.

Majnun, do not be afraid,

to fall deep into me.

It is where you will find your own reality.

You will be shaped according to how you wish to be.

All that love does, is it brings clarity.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

Clarity by giving of yourself,

and not keeping it.

Clarity by persistence.

Clarity by effort.

You will find clarity in the mystery of loving me.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

The bird of your insistent self, must be destroyed,

if you are to transform into the fish of passionate loving.

You must, you must, dive into the sea.

and forget the super sky that sucked you dry.

Know that love cannot exist in air, but only fully in water.

Think of love as such. It is a depth of being, 

where one cannot breath, nor see.

but can relay only on the one being Loved, me.

If you give yourself to me,

I will let you see and breath in the sea of eternity.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

As one captain upon the sea of my reality,

stated to me, I was everything.

I was a desert where no one was ever alone, 

but felt the stirring of life on all sides.

He said to all his men, the surface of the sea,

was still apart of the sky.

But 20 000 leagues under it, was where,

reign of self would stop, and the submission of self began.

“Live in the bosom of the water!

There is only independence!

There I recognise no masters!

There I am free!”

This is what he said to me.

Come to me, and live in this reality.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

Oh come to me, Majnun of my reality.

I am Layli Goddess of the Sea.

I am the Beloved of all eternity.

Never forget there is no end, there is no beginning,

There is just being with me.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

For once, when you become a lover to me,

You will become dry in the sea,

able to live forever with me, in this immensity.

I am Layli, the Beloved One.

- Pharan Akhtarkhavari